22 October 2000

Grissom

            I sometimes think that the world always strives for balance. That out of tragedy something good can come if we just look for it. I needed that something good after Holly died so, after checking with Brian Mobley and Bob Carvallo I offered the open CSI position to Sara. I wanted someone that I could work with, someone competent and to be honest it had felt good having her near once again.
           
            Neither one of us had brought up the provocative lapse of better judgment that had taken place at my place. It was the pink elephant in the room that Sara and I tried to ignore. For my part it was equal measures self defense and ethical dilemma. I didn’t know where I stood with Sara, emotionally and I was still acting supervisor of the night shift. Something I wanted to ditch like a case of herpes.

            Working with Sara was both exhilarating and frightening all at once. It was like riding a roller coaster. You are excited as you climb to that first big drop, your heart is pumping and the only reason you stay still is because you are strapped in. Then there is that split second when you see the precipice from which you are about to fall and your mind screams “NO! LET ME OFF!” before your stomach shoots up into your throat and the excitement takes over from the fear.

            I wish I could just give into the excitement and let go of the fear but the last time I did that…Well, I can honestly say I will never recover from it. Sara marked me and I suppose I do not really mind because even after all the hurt there is only one regret I have from our time together. I regret we hadn’t been able to persevere.

            The Garris kidnapping was as phony as the ‘happy marriage’ but it did make me reflect on Sara’s and my marriage. John Garris was like many successful men; caught up in his work and oblivious to the problems at home. I am an admitted workaholic but I was not unaware of the problems in my marriage. I was just ill equipped to deal with them.

            I was an only child of a deaf, artistic mother who was rather introverted. I was never a big talker in school; preferring to listen and learn. If I had a question I would ask it after class or research it myself. I had many friends growing up but none were what I would call close. So my communication skills were somewhat underdeveloped when I met Sara and only became more pronounced later on.

            Marriage is a partnership and when one half of that partnership is weak it makes it difficult for the other half. When both sides are fragile it makes the union unstable. Although Sara would never have been unfaithful to our vows, like Laura Garris, she too had secrets she kept. To this day I do not know what the catalyst was for her nightmares. No amount of coaxing or soothing on my part would allow me entrance into that part of her life.

            I tried to be logical about it, even fair. Our relationship had gone from an almost frustratingly slow pace to mach one in a relatively short span. We had been friends with a definite attraction to one another for over a year before I even kissed her and then everything began speeding up. I wonder quite often if we had slowed down, even a little, if things might be different.

            But trying and being are not the same and damn the universe for it.

            Still, I have to say that regardless of our past I am enjoying being around Sara again. We seem to have fallen into our old friendship rather easily, with lots of harmless flirting and fun. I think it throws Catherine off sometimes; she is not certain where to classify Sara. Catherine is privy to our little secret but she is more familiar to my side of it then Sara’s and so in Catherine’s eyes Sara is guilty of breaking my heart. I have defended Sara to Catherine repeatedly but Catherine is a surprisingly loyal friend.

Sara

            I have a long list of things that piss me off. Some stem from my childhood; wife beaters, child abusers, and bureaucrats that aren’t capable of doing their jobs- run in with a bad social service director. Then there are those pet peeves that I stand on by principal; incompetence, complacency, stupidity, lying and cheating. Laura Garris was guilty of at least three of my big no-nos. So I was definitely not her biggest fan.

            Still, I have to say I enjoyed working on her bogus abduction case for two reasons. The first was when I got to rat her out to her husband and watch her being placed in a police cruiser in handcuffs and the second and most important was working with Grissom. He truly is amazing to watch in action.

            It is funny how we have sort of been transported back in time five years. We tease, we flirt, we bump into each other “accidentally”, it has been easier than I thought it would be. Except for our…what? Amazingly hot, delicious, passionate afternoon of love making, we have fallen back into our old friendship with the ease of a favorite pair of jeans.

            Without realizing it I say the most suggestive things at times and then let the words hang there, enjoying their double entendre. The looks Grissom gives me still cause a flutter in my chest and sometimes a little farther south, but it is such a carefree feeling that I actually find myself almost to the point of giggles- I of course wait to get home before I give into them.

            So when I call out to Grissom, “Hey Grissom…could you come tape me up?” before sauntering back into the garage I can’t help but almost skip back. Before I am out of ear shot I hear Grissom’s playful reply and Catherine’s rejoinder, “It shows.”

            I know that I am on shaking ground with Catherine. I had only met her once before, right after Grissom and I started seeing each other. She had been friendly then, actually overjoyed, I think, that Grissom was seeing someone. Catherine kind of mother hen’s him which is sort of cute in away. It’s like watching a teenager with an overprotective mother.

            Since I’ve been in Vegas things have been different. Catherine is cool to me, sometimes almost rude. It has come out from time to time causing moments uncomfortable for me but I am slowly learning to deal with it. I can’t expect everyone to like me and I think the biggest bug up Catherine’s butt is Grissom. To Catherine I am the woman who divorced her best friend and I guess I can give her that extra inch or two knowing she has Gil’s back like that.

            I think that before I came to Vegas I only knew half of Grissom’s talent as a forensics specialist. I had gone to his seminar, albeit reluctantly, in the beginning but had found the man’s knowledge of his craft amazing. I had even had the good fortune of working with him on a case in San Francisco, when he was called into consult on a high profile case that had, of course, dealt with bugs but neither of these moments truly highlighted his talents.

            Watching him work the Collins family murders, I found myself working at a higher level. I admit dealing with Brenda was tremendously difficult, given my past and the fact that she was only a seven year old little girl. Still, I felt we were able to give her the justice she deserved.

            “Hey, you ready to go,” Nick calls out in his friendly manner, breaking my introspection.

            “Always,” I answer with a grin, trying to hide my thoughts and feelings behind the barrier I continuously try to maintain. I’m not an expert like Grissom but I have to believe that I am getting better, that no one knows the sadness that has burrowed into my heart and taints any happiness I find.

            “Good,” Nick smiles as he starts up the Tahoe and puts it in gear.

            “So where are we headed?” I ask slipping my sunglasses on to defend against the bright light of another day in Vegas.

            “Mc Carron,” Nick informs me, “Grissom says we have one DB and a plane full of suspects.

            “Cool,” I casually reply because that is what I do. I’m Miss Cool, Miss Unflappable, Miss Get the Job Done-Nothing Bothers Me. Yes, that’s me…that’s me.