CSI Redux:

At the Gates of Despair

May 28, 1996

            At mid-morning the airport was a beehive of activity as planes originating from locales to the east arrived one right after the other. There were islands of calm in the sea of hustle and bustle but they were easy to miss, overlooked in the constant motion of passengers heading to their next stop. It was what made spotting the weary looking man sitting in the row of uncomfortable looking chairs difficult to find, his lack of motion causing him to blend into the background.

            Dr. Katie Munro’s harried gaze stumbled onto the motionless man sitting unnoticed by the boarding passengers, his defeated posture giving her pause. The vision of Grissom sitting so forlornly, his elbows on his knees as he stared at his shoes, broke Katie’s heart. He was hurting, Sara was hurting and Katie felt powerless to help them. Everyday she bore witness to the toll of Sara’s sadness over Jamie’s death but she hadn’t seen Gil in two weeks and what she did see startled her.

            He was bordering on too thin. Gil had an athlete’s build by a stroke of good genes with a solid muscle structure over a strong frame. With the lost weight he looked more angular. Katie could see that his clothes were too loose; his simple t-shirt draped over weary shoulders, hung open around his neck showing his more pronounced collarbone.

            “Gil,” she called as she approached, forcing a smile on her face to replace the worried frown.

            Grissom looked up from the floor; his normally vibrant blue eyes were dull and slightly confused at seeing Katie. “Hey,” he greeted, his voice rough as if he hadn’t slept in days, which was partially true. He’d pulled two doubles and nearly a triple to clear his cases and organize his schedule so that he could get an entire week off to be with Sara.

            “Sorry I’m late,” Katie told him, throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing him tightly, the frown momentarily returning to her face at the physical evidence of his sorrow within her embrace. “Sara asked me to pick you up.”

            “Where is she?” Grissom asked as he wearily slung the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

            Katie slipped the sunglasses sitting atop her head on to her face, not wanting Grissom’s overly observant gaze to catch anything within her eyes. It hadn’t been Sara who had called her but Ike who had called her in a hurry asking if she could break free from the hospital and pick Gil up at the airport. Katie didn’t understand the whole story but had gotten enough of the picture to know she didn’t like it.

            Since Jamie’s death Sara had been pushing Gil away and Gil was letting her. Katie couldn’t count how many conversation she had tried to have with Sara, the other woman expertly weaving past the important questions and ambiguously answering the others. Katie would leave the guest house after an hour’s time and have more questions than when she arrived. Sara kept her own counsel well but keeping counsel and giving sound advice were two different things.

            “She’s with Ike on a case,” Katie answered, lacing her arm in his free arm. “It was taking longer then expected.”

            Leading Grissom to her car, Katie watched for traffic, her mind focused on the troubles of her friends. It hurt to watch their suffering but more than that Katie feared that if something didn’t give soon Gil and Sara would self-destruct, something she was certain neither would overcome. Regardless of their whirlwind romance and quick marriage, Gil and Sara were destined for one another.

            Grissom sighed, his shaded gaze wondering to the passenger side window, watching the city of San Francisco roll by. “How’s she doing, Kate, really?” His gaze rolled to the woman behind the wheel, his voice weary.

            There was a long beat before Katie answered, her eyes not leaving the street before them. “Depends, I suppose, on who you ask,” Katie’s answer was vague but with enough poignancy to reveal the truth to Grissom.

            “I’m asking you.”

            Releasing a heavy sigh, Katie didn’t hesitate. “Not good,” she revealed. “If she’s not working as many hours as she can stuff in in one week she is hiding away in the guesthouse, trying to become invisible.”

            Grissom’s face was grim. He had suspected as much. “Did she see the therapist, like I asked?”

            Katie shook her head sadly. “No, she said she was sick and cancelled. I tried to get her to reschedule but…Gil, I just think,” Katie sought the right words. “Sara blames herself. She is sooo guilt ridden she-“

            “I’ve told her the accident wasn’t her fault,” Grissom voice rose, a thread of incredulous anger ringing somewhere within his words. “Why can’t she just believe me!”

            To some extent Katie understood her friend’s frustration. God knows she herself had tried in vain to make Sara understand that she was not to blame for her accident. If blame was to be assigned it would belong to the man who had murdered two people and sawn through the drydock supports all in an attempt to cash in on an insurance scheme. Him and Gary Lester! Katie thought with rancor. Still, what the man at her side was having a hard time understanding was that Sara wasn’t thinking logically. Sara’s heart was broken and she was plagued by ‘what ifs’, two words that could torture a soul like very few others.

            “It’s…hard, Gil, that’s all.”

            Grissom ran the palm of his hand tiredly along his stubble covered cheek. “I know that, Katie, I know.”

            If she thought her heart was heavy before, Katie was certain she had been wrong. The deep sadness in Gil’s voice echoed pulled at her causing her to gaze at him, unshed tears hidden behind dark glasses. “She just needs time, honey, you’ll see,” Katie tried to reassure him. “You two…well, you’re just meant to be together, regardless.”

            Grissom seemed to consider her words before nodding solemnly. He loved Sara more than life itself. Whatever she wanted he would gladly do, sacrifice anything just to see her smile again without the haunting despair in her beautiful brown eyes. Sara, his heart wept as his mind continued desperately to discover the answer that would help them both find safe ground once again.

            *  *  *  *

            The bright lights beneath the pools crystal surface cast dancing, ethereal lights along the brick wall that surrounded the courtyard that separated the main house from the guesthouse. The bright splashes seemed brighter with the loss of the sun’s glow and with the tiny path lights made it easy for Sara to navigate the walk leading to the guesthouse.

            Her normally quick, long strides slowed the closer she got, apprehension rising so high that Sara was certain she could almost taste it on her palette. She had prolonged her shift as long as she could without being obvious then subtly hinted in Ike’s presence that she was in need of restocking her refrigerator all in the hopes of avoiding the impending moment when she would arrive home.

            Sara knew that Gil would be there. His plane had arrived hours earlier and Sara knew that Ike and Katie had made arrangements to pick him up, something that only added to the ever present pain in her chest. She had purposely not picked Gil up, thinking it would somehow prove her point but Sara couldn’t even properly identify what that point was. Her emotions were in a constant maelstrom, twisting and distorting her thoughts until she couldn’t see a solution to her ever widening emotional quagmire.

            A shaking hand paused on the doorknob to the tiny house. God, help me! Sara begged, hoping the deity she wasn’t completely sold on wouldn’t hold her lack of faith against her and answer her desperate prayer. She felt as if she had been cleaved in two the day Jamie had died. One part still fought on, holding tight to the life that she and Gil had built, the love that they shared. The other half seemed to be dying a slow and painful death, little by little, day by day. Like a shipwreck survivor out at sea, Sara clung to a sinking dingy and she feared she would take Gil down with her even as she tried to hold on to him.

            The door opened suddenly, ripping Sara from her thoughts. The lights from the interior casting Gil’s features into shadow while Sara’s eyes tried to adjust.

            “Hey,” Gil whispered in greeting, reaching out to take Sara’s hand still floating in the air where the knob had been and pulling her into a cautious embrace.

            “Hey,” Sara replied.

            At the feel of his strong arms surrounding her, Sara’s eyes closed basking in the moment, content to forget the turmoil, self-doubt and self-loathing and just be. She wanted to stay like that forever, to feel his warmth, his sturdiness pressed to her; to feel loved and protected.  Why can’t it be like this always? Why? Sara felt Grissom beginning to pull away and she grasped him harder, desperately clinging to him.

            “Honey?”

            The worry she heard in Gil’s voice was like a levy giving way, hot tears stinging her eyes and spilling over, streaming uncontrollably down her cheeks. Sara shook her head. He shouldn’t worry about me. “I…I’m sorry,” she croaked, keeping her eyes downcast as she tried to avoid his gaze.

            Abandoning his attempts to catch Sara’s gaze, Grissom took her face in his hands, gently forcing her to meet his eyes. “No, Sara, no you have nothing to be sorry about,” he told her, his words quietly emphatic.

            Sara tried to deny his words by shaking her head but Gil simply pulled her into his embrace, one hand cupping the back of her head, holding it to his shoulder. His worried and confused blue eyes only added to Sara’s anguish. Even as her heart begged to comfort him her jagged thoughts told her she needed to push him away. It’s for his own good! Her mind screamed.

            “Gil, I-“

            “Shhh,” Grissom sounded, tucking Sara into his side before walking towards the hall. “You’re tired, I’m tired,” he explained, walking her through the bedroom door. “Let’s leave the talking for tomorrow.”

            Sara nodded, too physically or mentally weary to argue with him. The thought of lying in his arms, falling asleep to the steady thrum of his heartbeat under her hand was too strong a temptation for aching heart to fight. Peace. That was what she would find his arms and what she longed for.

            Like a child, Gil led her to bed. Pulling back the comforter, Sara sat, watching as he kneeled to remove her shoes then pulled her blouse over her head. Guiding her with a gentle push, Gil removed her jeans and pulled the comforter over her slender figure before disposing of his own clothes and slipping into the bed next to Sara. Gathering her into his embrace, Gil silently held vigil as Sara’s exhaustion overcame her and her tears slowly ceased. The dread he felt followed him into his sleep.